Author Topic: glowworm  (Read 2681 times)

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October 02, 2011, 01:24:24 PM
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I am so inspired by your stories, of endurance thru the worst of thing. I want to tell my story, but I'm just not quite ready yet. Making this thread, will hopefully spur me on, when I have a time, when the words flow. Wow you people should be commended for your "never give up" attitudes. I am in awe..............


October 02, 2011, 01:35:24 PM
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When you are ready we will be hear to listen.  Glad to have you back.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~ pooh

"Inevitably, the tears of heartbreak water the heart they came from, and we grow."~Luke Storms


October 02, 2011, 02:04:46 PM
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  • everglades

It's takes some time.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


October 02, 2011, 02:39:20 PM
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You'll be ready when you're ready and we'll be hear to listen and tell you how amazing you are!
"if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"
Katherine Hepburn


October 03, 2011, 05:24:42 AM
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For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


October 03, 2011, 09:51:49 AM
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The bottom line is: I'm afraid. I've been mulling this over ALL night. You see, In the older boards, there were a couple people (I won't give names, but they are not here any more) decided, after a time, that I was a drain. That because, and here is the crux of the matter, I don't go to therapy or take AD's, that I wasn't helping myself. I do think I try to help myself, very much. BUT I really need to know, honestly, if others feel that way. If so, then I can bow out now, and save myself the heart break.


October 03, 2011, 10:08:54 AM
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  • everglades

TM, honestly, I personally think that therapy and meds are the best route but there are others here that have taught me that you can try doing it yourself. Also, I've seen people do the meds and therapy and not actually be genuine in really wanting to get better. I'm learning a lot myself here. I won't swear that I'll never ask you to take an AD if I think you are going to hell and I'm worried about you....but for now you do seem to be making progress in your fight. It's like I said before, every little thing, every step helps. I don't want you to bow out here. I want you to feel comfortable. It took me months to write what I did...and I've still not put down the worst, so you take your time.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


October 03, 2011, 11:36:14 AM
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That's fair enough Sadie.

 I just want to add, so that there is no misunderstanding, I am not against Meds and therapy. I feel that those who are brave enough to try, and those that succeed, are all to be commended.


 Hope that came out the way I intended. (sorry I need so much reassurance, dang I gotta work on that) Maybe you all should just ignore me when I ask for it (when its not merited) and it will help me stop it  :smile:


October 03, 2011, 01:42:33 PM
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It came out fine TM. It does take balls to go to therapy. It takes balls to try meds, because it's a real crap shoot to find what works. And , meds do haveside effects. You give up things to gain others. Personally, for me, most days, it's worth it.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


October 24, 2011, 10:15:19 AM
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I thought I was gonna go back and tell of every trauma that ever happened to me, that made me, Me. This morning I decided it would be great to just tell about the main issue that is going on RIGHT now.

Yesterday I had a disagreement with my OH. I've decided that the details are mundane and unimportant. What is important is how I reacted to it. I could not figure out why I was triggered, in a panic, with my mind racing. I could not sleep, I got back up and talked to him more. Trying to explain myself to him and to me.

This morning I realized why.

MY TRUTH:

We have been married for 26 years. Until about a year ago he was mentally abusing me on a regular basis. I lived in fear all the time. I did not realize at the time that it was the drugs. Whenever he needed them, he was full of rage, then he would get them and mellow out for a time. It was a viscous cycle. He quit about a year ago. During the time he was withdrawing, things got even worse. My daughter and I endured soul crushing abuse (mental) for many months. He never told me he was quitting. His addiction is like the 900 lb. gorilla in the room. Rarely to be discussed. After he beat it, Then he told me he was clean. His attitude changed so much. Over the months I realized that he did not fly into rages and that it appears to be a thing of the past.

The problem is: I can't trust it. I don't know how long it will take until I can fully believe it is OVER. There is residual hurt left behind. My daughter is unapologetic in her anger, hurt, frustration. She doesn't know about the drugs or why the change has occurred, she is still just damn mad! I try not to let my negativity toward him show to her as much as possible. I try to work out these feelings on my own. I would love to talk to him about it, but I am still waiting for the RAGE to rear its ugly head. I am still operating in that old mode, of being super careful and waiting. My heart no longer drops to my stomach when I hear him coming. I am getting better. I'm not sure if I can ever have a healthy relationship with him though. I'm not sure if I need him to validate what he did to us...............

I know therapy would be something that could help. We've talked about it many times over the years, but I just don't see it happening. There has to be a way, that we can figure this out, together. I just don't know what "together" looks like. It is a whole new world which is a good thing. If only I can get past all the damage that was done, and stop reacting in the old way and realize I can say what I think, have an opinion, and be myself!!! Wow what a concept.


October 24, 2011, 10:53:34 AM
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Glow, I'm glad he stopped, but what an awful thing to have to go through for you and your kids. At some point your daughter needs to know. I've seen what happens when well meaning parents don't tell their kids about the problems. I'm curious why you guys have decided not to go to therapy, but if that's not for you, there are groups out there like AA and NA that you could attend. I hope that things get better.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


October 24, 2011, 03:39:11 PM
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Glowworm, :console: 

I wish things could get better.  It's understandable that you don't trust him.   :console:

I hope you all can get group therapy.  :grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:


October 24, 2011, 04:01:15 PM
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(((((Glowworm))))) 

Addiction is a beast.  & living with someone who is addicted is a beast too.  My father was addicted to alcohol but no one talked about it (that was a long time ago, & no one really did), so I grew up with many incorrect ideas.  I really feel for you and your kids. 

You're a survivor, glowworm  :pump:.  You've made it this far, so congratulate yourself.  There are some resources around to keep you going so that you don't have to shoulder any of this alone or in a therapy situation if that is not your style.  NA & Narcanon are good grps for recovering addicts and their families.  It really lightens the load to know that you are not alone in your experience. 

You said elsewhere that you have social phobia.  Just so you know, if you do decide to attend any Narcanon meetings, you can sit at the back & you don't have to say anything.  It's ok.  I have been to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings & just said 'pass' or shook my head or something if I haven't been able to speak.  They get it.  There may even be online meetings that you could check out.  Please don't worry about this.  Just being there is a good step.  You can get strength just by showing up.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2011, 04:04:51 PM by moreso »
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


October 24, 2011, 05:20:30 PM
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((((((((Glow)))))))

It will be a long while for the trust to build back up. I agree with the others that some sort of support outside the situation would help.  Be it therapy or a group.  It is good that you are trying to open up lines of communications  with your husband.  I believe talking and being open can help with mending things. 
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~ pooh

"Inevitably, the tears of heartbreak water the heart they came from, and we grow."~Luke Storms


November 03, 2011, 05:40:13 PM
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((((((((((Glow)))))))))) I feel for you and totally understand your feelings of mistrust and uneasiness. I was married for 19 years to a controlling and verbally abusive husband, who was also an alcholic, but the difference was he never quit.  But, the feelings of hurt still remain, from all the fights and just trying to put up with it.  I divorced him, but, I know had he quit my trust would be long in coming. It's a terrible disease but it doesn't excuse behavior or the hurt it causes, I hope you someday can feel like being yourself, I had to leave to do that. Anyways, I have empathy for your situation, because for years I felt like I couldn't be myself. Hang in there and truly hope you maybe get some added help, someone in a group situation can relate very well if you decide to go to a group therapy setting.  And it can be very enlightning too.  Take care Glow
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it" Maya Angelou
"The main thing in one's own world is to try laugh as much as you cry" Maya
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