I thought I was gonna go back and tell of every trauma that ever happened to me, that made me, Me. This morning I decided it would be great to just tell about the main issue that is going on RIGHT now.
Yesterday I had a disagreement with my OH. I've decided that the details are mundane and unimportant. What is important is how I reacted to it. I could not figure out why I was triggered, in a panic, with my mind racing. I could not sleep, I got back up and talked to him more. Trying to explain myself to him and to me.
This morning I realized why.
We have been married for 26 years. Until about a year ago he was mentally abusing me on a regular basis. I lived in fear all the time. I did not realize at the time that it was the drugs. Whenever he needed them, he was full of rage, then he would get them and mellow out for a time. It was a viscous cycle. He quit about a year ago. During the time he was withdrawing, things got even worse. My daughter and I endured soul crushing abuse (mental) for many months. He never told me he was quitting. His addiction is like the 900 lb. gorilla in the room. Rarely to be discussed. After he beat it, Then he told me he was clean. His attitude changed so much. Over the months I realized that he did not fly into rages and that it appears to be a thing of the past.
The problem is: I can't trust it. I don't know how long it will take until I can fully believe it is OVER. There is residual hurt left behind. My daughter is unapologetic in her anger, hurt, frustration. She doesn't know about the drugs or why the change has occurred, she is still just damn mad! I try not to let my negativity toward him show to her as much as possible. I try to work out these feelings on my own. I would love to talk to him about it, but I am still waiting for the RAGE to rear its ugly head. I am still operating in that old mode, of being super careful and waiting. My heart no longer drops to my stomach when I hear him coming. I am getting better. I'm not sure if I can ever have a healthy relationship with him though. I'm not sure if I need him to validate what he did to us...............
I know therapy would be something that could help. We've talked about it many times over the years, but I just don't see it happening. There has to be a way, that we can figure this out, together. I just don't know what "together" looks like. It is a whole new world which is a good thing. If only I can get past all the damage that was done, and stop reacting in the old way and realize I can say what I think, have an opinion, and be myself!!! Wow what a concept.