Oh my gosh, I have so much to say, but can't organize my thoughts!!!!
Kel, I'm so glad you left, and I applaud you for it
I do believe it was the right thing for you.
Back when all my abuse was going on, I should have left. But I didn't for various reasons.
Now tho...........Last week he got mad at me and started slamming around. I told him to STOP it!! He took a diazapam, settled down and that was it!!!! Later we discussed the issues. We ARE on the right track! There is just so much to wade thru.
I guess, right now, my biggest issue is how much needs to be rehashed and how much to leave in the past. I'll give you and example and I hope you don't think I'm just pathetic:
A long time ago, maybe 20 years!!! He had raged at me, telling me that I had put the top of a can in the garbage, slanted, PURPOSELY so he would cut himself!!! This has stuck in my head to the point that almost every time I put a lid in the garbage I think of it. It hurt me so profoundly that he would think I would do such a thing. YES its a small thing. But it occurred to me yesterday...................I wonder if I just told him, if it would finally leave my mind!!!!!!! I think I'm gonna try. So maybe, just maybe, that is the answer: Things that haunt me are unresolved in my psyche.
I just don't want it to be all negative, and for him to feel picked on constantly. YES He has a lot to answer for, but I want it to all be for healing, and to be careful how I approach it. Not because of fear, but because these kids are gonna leave and all we will have left is each other.
I use to think about leaving his ass, now I think: No way could I leave him alone, and lonely and I think its because without the rage, I can finally feel the love I have for him.
Sorry this was so long.