Author Topic: glowworm  (Read 2475 times)

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November 21, 2011, 03:07:36 PM
Reply #30
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((((glow))))


November 21, 2011, 06:57:43 PM
Reply #31
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Reading along, Glow.   :pump:
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
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November 22, 2011, 10:44:21 AM
Reply #32
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He wants me to fix it. He wants me to make it better. I can't. The saddest part of it is that they were very close. Did so many things together. Went shopping, horse back riding, Odyssey fun world, you name it. When he would put her to bed, he would do this sing song thing "Sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bit, no no no no" (she added the last part and always wanted him to wiggle his butt when he said it) When she would get up in the night, he would go into the hall, drop on one knee and she would hug him, then he would put her back to bed.

It was something I always loved about him. The way he was with our children. Then one day around the age of 11 she withdrew from him. Yes he had his times when he would yell at her, but I suspect it was more the way she saw him treat me. And maybe that he always wanted more. He wouldn't meet her on her terms. He would want a hug when she did not want to give it. He would want her to tell him everything when she wanted to keep some things to herself. Push push push, never satisfied. So she hit puberty and BAM!!!!!! She withdrew in a BIG WAY!! she won't speak to him, she doesn't want him within 6 feet of her, and she carries her pillow around, up to her nose, whenever he is in the house. When it first started I told him all the right things. I'm convinced of that. I told him to back off!! To give her space, love her unconditionally and that if she needed to protect herself but putting up that pillow, to respect that, and that she would eventually come out of it. BUT NO He called her bad names, teased her, and yelled at me to beat her out of it, to grab that pillow and force her to talk to him.

So he reinforced the behavior as I begged him to stop the madness!! He went at me even harder and blamed me, and wanted to know a time frame, to have a guarantee, that if he left her alone she would (in one week, or two or a month) come out of it. I told him it could be a week or a year, you dont' get a guarantee, and you don't do it for the reward of what YOU want. You care more about her than yourself and make a "real" change in your thinking and then maybe someday she can heal and be better. He just kept yelling "But I did not do anything THAT bad." over and over again.

SO now  I have a 14 year old, that has built up this rage and animosity toward her father. She never felt safe talking about it. Now in the last year his rages have stopped because he has stopped doing the drugs. But she doesn't know this and I don't know how to tell her. I barely trust it, how can I expect her to??

So the other day, he got mad at me, because I pointed out something that he does that shows his disrespect for her, she was not in the room. He started to yell at me, and deny it, then stormed out of the room (way better than the rages) But then when she came back into the living room she told me that he does that when she is not in the room cause he doesn't want her to see him misbehave. I said no, its because I wait till she is not in the room to talk to him about certain things. (she still thinks she needs to protect me) Then he came out for a cup of coffee, and went back in the bedroom but he stopped and watched her thru a small crack in the opening.That was when she told me that she can never relax when he is in the house and I said, "It is your choice to hide your face, would it be such a horrible thing if he saw your face?" and she said "NO, I will not let him win!!!"

So there you have it. I know it is hard to explain all the details, and I hope it isn't too muddled. I just want them to heal. I don't want my daughter to start looking for a "daddy figure" and get herself into trouble, LIKE I DID!!
« Last Edit: November 22, 2011, 10:48:20 AM by glowworm »


November 22, 2011, 12:07:15 PM
Reply #33
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How you do feel about family therapy? Regular therapist or maybe a clergyman with counseling experience.   I think either that or put your daughter in therapy so she doesn't go after the daddy figures.  In my opinion there needs to be an objective observer. One who doesn't take sides and has no vested interest.  You are to close to situation and in the middle. There isn't a whole lot you can do when squished between them.
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November 22, 2011, 02:14:03 PM
Reply #34
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I agree with Moxie that getting her in to some form of therapy could be very beneficial.

I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.
"if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"
Katherine Hepburn


November 22, 2011, 03:08:28 PM
Reply #35
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Glow, I think it is unreasonable for him to expect you to heal/fix the problem.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


November 22, 2011, 09:23:48 PM
Reply #36
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(((((((((((((Glow)))))))))))))))))


November 23, 2011, 02:23:47 AM
Reply #37
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Yes Glow..maybe family therapy. A safe enviroment for all of you to discuss why he has been so angry and abusive in the past because of the drugs. She really needs to know that is/was the main cause, but in a safe place. They are both hurting each other and in turn its hurting you because you feel you should be able to fix it, but you cant...it will only cause her to withdraw more and for him to become more bitter and angry over it. Intervention is what I think is needed.


November 23, 2011, 11:09:11 AM
Reply #38
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Crap, I was hoping you all wouldnt say that. I don't think she would cooperate...............and my social anxiety just went thru the roof just reading it. Maybe I will ask my OH what he thinks  :sadwalk:


November 23, 2011, 11:28:23 AM
Reply #39
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(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Glow))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


November 23, 2011, 11:35:46 AM
Reply #40
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Glow, I really feel for you in your situation.  It is so complicated, isn't it?  No need to make a snap decision, just weigh it & see how it feels.  I know your family is really important to you & you want the best for them.   :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


November 23, 2011, 09:37:38 PM
Reply #41
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yes you dont have to decide..talk with your husband and talk to your daughter. Explain how its hurting you. Maybe they dont realize it affects other people and thing will get better after letting them know. I hope things do get better. I know what its like to live like that.


November 23, 2011, 10:46:21 PM
Reply #42
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Glow  :console:


November 24, 2011, 11:14:47 AM
Reply #43
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Thanks.

Kel, they KNOW full well how they affect me. They are both just so caught up in their power struggle, they can't care more about me, than "winning" I guess.


November 24, 2011, 01:39:48 PM
Reply #44
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Glow, I wonder what they would say/do if you said that to their faces?
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox