He wants me to fix it. He wants me to make it better. I can't. The saddest part of it is that they were very close. Did so many things together. Went shopping, horse back riding, Odyssey fun world, you name it. When he would put her to bed, he would do this sing song thing "Sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bit, no no no no" (she added the last part and always wanted him to wiggle his butt when he said it) When she would get up in the night, he would go into the hall, drop on one knee and she would hug him, then he would put her back to bed.
It was something I always loved about him. The way he was with our children. Then one day around the age of 11 she withdrew from him. Yes he had his times when he would yell at her, but I suspect it was more the way she saw him treat me. And maybe that he always wanted more. He wouldn't meet her on her terms. He would want a hug when she did not want to give it. He would want her to tell him everything when she wanted to keep some things to herself. Push push push, never satisfied. So she hit puberty and BAM!!!!!! She withdrew in a BIG WAY!! she won't speak to him, she doesn't want him within 6 feet of her, and she carries her pillow around, up to her nose, whenever he is in the house. When it first started I told him all the right things. I'm convinced of that. I told him to back off!! To give her space, love her unconditionally and that if she needed to protect herself but putting up that pillow, to respect that, and that she would eventually come out of it. BUT NO He called her bad names, teased her, and yelled at me to beat her out of it, to grab that pillow and force her to talk to him.
So he reinforced the behavior as I begged him to stop the madness!! He went at me even harder and blamed me, and wanted to know a time frame, to have a guarantee, that if he left her alone she would (in one week, or two or a month) come out of it. I told him it could be a week or a year, you dont' get a guarantee, and you don't do it for the reward of what YOU want. You care more about her than yourself and make a "real" change in your thinking and then maybe someday she can heal and be better. He just kept yelling "But I did not do anything THAT bad." over and over again.
SO now I have a 14 year old, that has built up this rage and animosity toward her father. She never felt safe talking about it. Now in the last year his rages have stopped because he has stopped doing the drugs. But she doesn't know this and I don't know how to tell her. I barely trust it, how can I expect her to??
So the other day, he got mad at me, because I pointed out something that he does that shows his disrespect for her, she was not in the room. He started to yell at me, and deny it, then stormed out of the room (way better than the rages) But then when she came back into the living room she told me that he does that when she is not in the room cause he doesn't want her to see him misbehave. I said no, its because I wait till she is not in the room to talk to him about certain things. (she still thinks she needs to protect me) Then he came out for a cup of coffee, and went back in the bedroom but he stopped and watched her thru a small crack in the opening.That was when she told me that she can never relax when he is in the house and I said, "It is your choice to hide your face, would it be such a horrible thing if he saw your face?" and she said "NO, I will not let him win!!!"
So there you have it. I know it is hard to explain all the details, and I hope it isn't too muddled. I just want them to heal. I don't want my daughter to start looking for a "daddy figure" and get herself into trouble, LIKE I DID!!