So, I moved when I was 12, and it was exciting at times, but then it really hit me. I was alone. During the move though, my parents received word that my grandfather on my dad side of the family passed away. It was a shock to everyone, because we just saw him two days ago and my dad gave him a haircut. It was like my grandfather knew. So, we all flew back the following day for the funeral. I was sort of happy to be back, stayed at my grandparents(mom side of the family) for a few more days, but the funeral, my dad is italian, so it makes me half italian, and half hungarian(mom side of the family), but I'm 100% canadian and a bit of a quebecer, since I was born in that province. So the funeral was very sombre...and after the whole thing, we went to my grandmothers(dad side of the family) and had something to eat. My dad was being a macho guy which was disgusting, ordering around...my grandmother(mom side of the family) didn't like that.
Flipping a bit back, my dad was like that though...growing up as well, he needed to control and so ordering people around was his thing I guess. He sometimes threatened too...and I was there when that happened, i remember he mentioned divorce and I started to cry because it sounded bad. Sometimes my mother and I would go to my grandparents(her parents) to get away from it all...I felt confused as a child though...why the yelling and the fights...it didn't make sense. My mother wanted to stay over night, but I didn't want to, my brother was home, and I wanted him to be with us too, I couldnt' comprehend why he wasn't with us...he didnt' want to leave, but I couldn't understand it...so, we went back home afterwards...so, it was like that growing up too...
So, back to the funeral part, the rest of us went back to my grandparents(my mom's side of the family), my uncle was with us, and my dad would meet us later.
We then the following day had to go back to my new place. We went back by train and a friend of my moms childhoods parents picked us up and brought us over to our new house afterwards after dinner.
Later we went to the school to get my brother and I registered. My brother for one year went to high school. In Montreal, high school started at grade 7, but moving to Ontario, high school started at grade 9. My poor brother had to go back to elementary school for one year. He hated it...where I had to go back for another two years, which was a blow in my face. I could say that I have graduated from elementary school twice...I got a lot of slack from my friends in Montreal about that, but we always laugh it off...it was in good fun. I kept in contact with my friends in Montreal...and to this date I'm still am with a few, and one of them is my best friend as well.
Going to school here was hard for me. I would have episodes where i would just cry, because I would miss my friends in Montreal. I had family come here to visit us, my grandparents(mom side) would come and visit us a lot too, and my grandfather would come and pick us up from school...it was his official job to pick us up everytime they came to visit with some Tim horton timbits of course! I loved those weekends as well! I hated when they had to leave, I would start to cry in the end.
During the thanksgiving weekend, everyone came on my mom side of the family, grandparents and my aunt and uncle!!! I was excited about my aunt coming down, because she was so much fun to be with and I missed it very much! Of course, there was always comments when my brother and I was with my aunt...because she played with us still and scared the living shit out of us, but hiding and say "BOO" or just a "SCREAM"...and of course my brother and I jump, and we started to laugh...i have to admit we did the same back to her with a lot of joy! lol...
I didn't want the weekend to end...it was so surreal, but when the day came, i was sad. I just wanted to cry. I became super close to my aunt though.
My aunt and I would write letters to each other and talk on the phone. My aunt would talk to me about stuff that my mother didn't. She told me about birth controls and safe sex as well. Somehow, my mother got hold of one of my letters and was upset about that. I'm catholic and so, we are not to know about that stuff and to wait for marriage. I told my aunt that I was unaware of my mom doing this and so I started to hide my letters in a shoebox, to which I have recently found. I would confide to my aunt everything of my hopes and dreams, my sadness and what was going on with me.
Going to elementary school for two years here was tough in the end. I messed up a birthday invitation once and didn't go and i was just scarred from it with the classmates in my school. They weren't the same anymore. They started to exclude me from everyone and i wasn't good enough for them anymore. So, I felt that I messed up in making friends, and I didnt' have much friends after. In grade 8, I tried to redeem myself by joining a volleyball team. It felt good, because I was doing good too. After the volleyball games were over, it was back to being excluded again. I made one new friend, which was good...but she was sometimes excluding me too, i didn't get it, but we became friends, which lasted till a bit of university. With this friend, in the end, I wasn't good enough in high school to hang around with her in the end, or study with her in grade 12 because I wasn't smart enough, because I didn't have high marks. It was her parents doing, but she wouldn't stand up for herself. To this day, we dont' talk, and she became a snot. I guess the signs were there in the beginning.
Living here, I felt very alone. The holidays, Christmas and some summers we would go back to Montreal. I loved it. In the end, I would go back on my own and spend about a month and a half or so in the summer. Some summers with my grandparents wasn't all pleasant though...it was tough...my aunt had to intervene a few times too.
When I started high school, I felt okay, I will make new friends and forget the people I went to school with. I made some new friends and thing were going great, I felt happy finally. Then I met this one friend. She started to exclude herself from people, and had her make friends with people whom I was with friends too, and then she wanted to be alone, just me and her. I ended up doing that, respected her wishes, had lunch with her only. I later learn about her story later in the semester, and the abuse she was going through. One lunch, she just told me everything...the look on my face was white, I was in shock, and I didnt' know what to do. My friend at the time(the one who became a snot, so I will refer her as snot friend) made me tell her what happened. She told me that if i didnt' tell her, she wouldn't talk to me. So, I told her, and she said that I had to tell my parents and she would mention it to hers. I didnt' and she made me tell my parents or else she won't talk to me. So, i told my parents. We both went to the school counsellor and I told the story on what was going on. We were keeping tabs, and I was hanging around with my friend who was being abused. Long story short, my mom brought us to the police station in February, during a science fair, my friend was sleeping over since we were partners for the school science fair. So, we were played by my mom and her friend whom she got her involved as well. Stayed at the police station for the rest of the day, and I was in the room with my friend for the whole entire time, because she wanted me to be there. So I heard the story from beginning to the end...it was an extremely hard day for me and draining. Luckily my friends dad pleaded guilty, or else I would of had to go to trial as well or a possibility. I was about 14 at the time.
Anyway, this friend turned it on me in the end, because she was angry with me and because I destroyed her family and broke them apart. I told someone about the abuse. Her mom, to this day hates my guts. I don't talk to her much or not at all now. She gave me grief in high school as well, bullied me in the end, to where my mom called the principles office and I was called down. There was this other friend I had to make friends with because my mom felt sad that she had no friends. So, she became friends with the friend who was abused. Them two ganged up on me and bullied me...I ended up getting gum in my hair too. So, when i was called down to the principals office, I had a choice of pressing charges for harrassment. I was in grade 10, so i was about 15. I said no, because I knew what my friend who was abused went through, and she went through enough, but I asked the principal to give them two a warning, because thats where I would press charges afterwards. In grade 12, my friend who was abused apologized to me about all of her behaviour, because she told me that she was angry at me, but knows that it wasnt my fault.
I remember I confided this to my aunt one year when she was visiting, I was feeling sad, and I was crying, because I thought I did something bad still, but she reassured me that I didn't and I was brave and I was a good friend.
My parents was also proud of me too, but my parents gave me a fucking comment after saying "now dont' start saying that you were abused too" and there was literature on different kinds of abuse. I started to peak at the literature and I was getting confused and I saw my dad in there. I was dumbfounded. They can't prove that, I got no scars. So, I had to keep it in. I was afraid to go into a home anyway.
Its a tough thing to through...and so, the rest of my high school years sucked the big one again. Barely any friends, I had more guy friend than anything else though. I had about 5 guy friends. I just brought myself to the library and did my homework and I was called a loner. I would hide my lunch and eat it there at times and do my homework. I was officially depressed. Mind you, my depression started I believe when I moved here...it just escallated from the different event in my life. My doctor says to me that ever since she knew me, I had a low mood, if she is willing to sit and listen to my stories or go through them i'm sure she would pinpoint why. Personally it doesn't take a genius to figure it out I dont think.
I remember telling my mom that she can't hit me anymore or something...and so she spoke to my doctor about it and my doctor started to sweet talk me that it is okay for the right reasons. I was like uh? what do you mean? Because of the situation with my friend who was abused...I don't get it.
Anyway, i was given threats of being hit, if I made my mom angry, i would of been called a jackass or an asshole. My dad would start ignoring me too.
My grades weren't good enough, I would get told if I had a 70%, well where is the other 30%? I didn't feel good about it.
This is some of my teen years...i'm going to stop here...there's more to come...