Author Topic: Reality.....A journey into defeatism  (Read 589 times)

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May 01, 2012, 05:45:13 PM
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This not a happy feel good story


After a lifetime of guilt, pain, and personal battles, unfathomable to most human beings, I thought I had reached the success and happiness that I worked so hard to achieve.  My journey to get to this point in my life was a terrifying ride through the depths of hell that I wasn't sure I would survive. I finally felt like that I made it through. I proved to myself and a lot of naysayers that humans have the ability to change themselves no matter their age or how bad the circumstances are. I was living proof it was possible.

With what I felt was the worst behind me I set my sights to marry. I reconnected with my old high school sweetheart, my first true love, we hit it off like we were never apart all those year. We took off blazing a trail towards our promising future together. Everything happened so fast. After only 8 months into our marriage we were both miserable. We realized we were extremely toxic for each other and I realized there were still a few things that I needed to fine tune. Before I go any further let me just say that marriage is a two way street that involves compromise from both people. I've heard people say to compromise is to give up happiness.......compromise is the very foundation a marriage is built on along with trust.

I'm going into details about our relationship. If anyone feels the need to know what happened between us feel free to contact me. If you don't want to know,  then I'll leave you with your thoughts and assumptions and let the devil do his work. I'm not looking to explain myself or justify anything that happened.

I'm at a point in my life that I just don't have anything left to give. After waiting 35 years to marry only to watch helplessly as it fell apart eight months in was more than I can deal with. This is the most devastating blow to my life I've ever had. I put everything ounce of faith I had in our marriage and our future only to see it go nuclear destroying any chance of reconciliation.

I'm tired of constantly hurdling obstacles, half of which are put there by me, to get to that point of nirvana in my life when I can finally relax. I really thought I was at that point this time.....I breathed a sigh of relief and let myself be truly happy. I remember thinking to myself that I made it through and I can let my guard down and relax. I wish I could have seen what was coming. I wish I would've known that the happiness I was experiencing would barely be a blip on the radar of my life. Happiness wasn't within reach it.....I had it in my hands for the first time in my life since my child. For the first time in my life I had control and it seemed to be going in the right direction.

If you've made it this far into my self righteous rant and you're expecting me to come to some kind of heart felt, humbling revelation about this experience I have some bad news. Stop reading now and go do something productive because it's not going to happen.

There's the old saying that goes "life is what you make of it". I firmly believed this idea and practice it for most of my adult life. I can tell you that I have tested this idea out thouroughly using many different methods and the results were always the same. I've been practicing my whole life to make myself a person that I'm just not capable of being. With each attempt, I stumbled and eventually fell  flat on my face. I broke something this time. I broke the endearing quality every human has called will. After a lifetime of pain and struggling, I've sadly concluded that fate has a path predetermined for everyone. A person can try with every fiber of faith and will and they have to derail the path but inevitably it's destiny......This is my destiny.

I've reached a solution to my problem albeit hastily. I have to reach a compromise with myself. That's the only way I'm going to make it through this. I have to lower my expectations of life and let go of the dreams I have. I have to just exist on the outer edges of life and definitely not take any chances. A low key job is best for me. I have to find me a little niche where I can make a decent living, pay the things I need to pay, and hopefully have a little to spare. I have to disappear into mediocrity and just became the person that makes everyone wonder what went wrong.....I have to be that guy.

I'm not reaching out for help by publishing this to everyone. I don't want to be miraculously saved and lifted out of dispair. I'm aware and I'm rationally making this compromise to reduce my pain and anxiety. I don't have the fight left to stay in this unholy battle. It's time I retire and at least live the rest of my life in peace and quiet. To have peace is almost the same as having happiness in this chaos.

I guess I'm putting this out there for a life lesson in excepting reality and understanding your place in society. Maybe it will inspire somebody to change soon enough that it can really make a difference.

I'm still gonna press on in this twisted existence only this time low key and as unassuming as I can. To be honest, I want to see what the hell is going to be thrown at me next. It's going to be really tough to top this one and that's a little bit unsettling. I've always been a glutton for punishment  to the point of it being masochistic.

Hopefully I can disappear into mediocrity and not be tortured for the rest of my days here on earth. At least I can always tell myself that there was that one time in my life when I tried to find my happiness.......I hope that will give me peace when I'm older and the end is near. When I'm left to wonder what the fuck I did with my life.
 










May 01, 2012, 07:31:37 PM
Reply #1
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  • everglades

Jtex, I firmly believe there is a time and place to dig a hole and crawl in so that you can lick your wounds and heal. You are at that place. How long it takes, I don't know. I know that it feels like forever right now, but I doubt if it will be. I do know, however, that you are in no place to fight right now...so don't. Quiet is good. You take care of you.  :pump:
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


May 01, 2012, 10:00:43 PM
Reply #2
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Jtex, I have to say I agree with Sadie.  You've been through hell.  Give yourself time to recuperate, however long that may be.  Don't push yourself now. 

I am glad you found us here.  I wish I had known about places like this when I needed support earlier. 

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


May 01, 2012, 10:23:38 PM
Reply #3
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I am going to go with the others and say that you are hurt and need to pull back, heal and the regroup and figure where to go from there.  The future is unknown and there are always new things right around the corner and sometime those new things turn out to be better then what we had in the first place.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~ pooh

"Inevitably, the tears of heartbreak water the heart they came from, and we grow."~Luke Storms


May 02, 2012, 12:36:11 AM
Reply #4

I may sound like a broken record here, but I agree with the others here.  It's ok to take a step - or a few steps back - and take care of yourself.  I understand where you are coming from, I've been there.  Maybe not exact circumstances, but the feelings were the same.  You have been through so much.  It takes time to feel better after all of that.  Nobody knows what and who they will be in the future.  Who knows what will happen.  Take care of yourself, hon.  You are a good person.  I can tell that by your posts here.  And you have us here.  I'm grateful for this place and the ppl here.  Keep talking here.  We care.   :grouphug:


May 02, 2012, 08:09:50 PM
Reply #5
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jtex, I had to go into a 'holding pattern' when I left my marriage, b/c it was just such a shocking process.  It was the best thing for me - not to take on anything extra, just try my best to look after myself.  It might even have been wiser to even reduce my responsibilities, but you know how that it, hindsight being 20/20.   Not suggesting that this is the way for you b/c we are all different.  Just take your time and be kind to yourself.  You are going through something that is really difficult.

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


May 03, 2012, 11:57:49 AM
Reply #6
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 :grouphug: :pump: :grouphug: :pump: :grouphug: :pump:

You hang in there.

Remember that you are a good person who has been and is going through hell.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox