Author Topic: Defeated  (Read 585 times)

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October 27, 2013, 02:00:51 AM
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I remember my mental breakdown around the fall of 2006 when I was a mature student at the U and i had to quit because I was scared and having panic attacks.  The school doc made me take a leave of absence because of all the things that lead up to it.   So many bad things had happened.  Police came to my house one day and it scared d....I don't remember what I said in an email....I was terrified....terrified for myself....The final straw that was that I missed an exam because I didn't note on my calendar and was scared running around the school, disrupting the classes.  :fire:  At that point, despite my stubbornness, I had to admit that I was defeated.  :couch:

I felt like a teenager and was even mistaken for being younger than I was.  I was skinnier, small framed and short.  Maybe also partly because I behaved like one and didn't know how to behave appropriately.  I was anxious and inpatient and I could never find my cards in my purse.  I got scared easily. I never had patience to go to H&C.  I could sense the health clerk being upset with me.  I was also talked down to by my doctor.  He would tell me in emails that I wasn't appropriate or something.  I don't remember exact words, but he made me feel small.

My legs felt weak and having to walk all the way to H&C through the tunnel.  Some worker guy on those motor scooters gave me a lift one time.  It was times that these, when a kindness of a stranger felt like a true gift...I almost miss feeling that ppl could be kind --- to me....I know ppl can be kind towards other people. But most times, I felt ppl didn't notice or care about me.  I never mattered.  That's what I felt and still do....

I picked the letter from my doc to take to the register's office.  Then that was it.  I felt like a nightmare where I had little control over myself.

So, I spent my days in the library coffee shop.  The library and coffee was always packed of students and sometimes hard to find a seat but sometimes I managed to sit with someone who was willing to let me.  The noise drowned out some of the negative voices in my head.  I opened my laptop which was fairly new.  I typed into the search key: mental illness, depression, etc.....That's when I discovered mental health sites....

I posted on sites and told them about ordeal and how I felt like I was losing my mind....I posted on a blog and befriend the ppl on the site....It was like entering a new world.  I never imagined there were so many other ppl in this world who were suffering too....At first, it was exciting to even get a response...

October 27, 2013, 05:06:42 AM
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October 27, 2013, 09:26:29 AM
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October 27, 2013, 11:59:14 AM
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(((((Happy)))))  thank you for posting this
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan

October 27, 2013, 05:35:37 PM
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October 28, 2013, 12:39:48 PM
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Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox