Author Topic: Coach Nut's Story  (Read 606 times)

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January 07, 2011, 05:16:25 PM
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Ok with the exception of moxie you all owe us a story in more of this I'll do it later...

WARNING: Graphic Suicidal Comments May be triggering

My story started three years ago during December. Situational things in my life were totally falling apart. At my work employees were not being held accountable for their actions and when I presented it to the owners I got sat down and told what a terrible job I Was doing. Finances were in the crapper and my spouse was starting to pull away from our relationship. As we came into January things were no better and in fact even worse at home and I was powerless to stop any of it...I continued to retreat more and more and saw my life disappearing before my eyes. Finally in February after another incident where my wife left me alone in a terrible state I walked over to a nearby farm and climbed an extraordinarily high Cell tower all the way to the top. I hung on with barely the tips of my fingers for some time before deciding I couldn't be sure it would kill me so I climbed down...went home and began to research on the internet methods that would be nearly 100% fatal....After climbing that tower I realized I was not afraid of death whatsoever. That same night I joined a site called Depression forums and posted a topic that I will never forget in the emergency section. I posted a graphical detail of what I went through and was immediately replied to by a few regular members...the most inspiring of which was our own Phoenix. He seemed to take a personal interest in my situation and was able to calm me down to the point of looking at other alternatives. I can't go into a blow by blow detail of the post but its safe to say he saved my life. Many people rallied behind me including Joanna who was a member here- MISS YOU and helped me to seek the help to save my life....I was VERY resistant to meds and Phoenix helped me to choose Wellbutrin which certainly helped pull me from the brink.

Gradually my spouse started to see the gravity of the situation and began to push me for more help...I tried some therapists...but they were both uncaring....if I had died it was on to the next patient. I began to get discouraged and more and more dark until one day I just decided to inpatient myself at a local Mental Illness only hospital. To say it changed my life would be an understatement....while in there away from the pressures of life..I was able to be work on myself and I came out of it for the better much visits with my family were amazing and after some inpatient therapy my spouse and I recommitted to our relationship. Everything was grand...until I had to leave...I swear they have to prep inmates to live in the real world they should do the same for inpatient people...within a day of leaving I lost almost all the positives I had gained.

I've had my ups and downs but have never felt as good as when I was just goes to show that treatment is not rooted in the real world. There were times where things were bad...but one of my biggest struggles is to think I was depressed for yers without knowing it...I had all the signs....constantly negative....usually dark...rarely happy....but I never even considered it was an illness. That is the hardest thing to come ot terms with is the illness tag of what I have.

Move forward to 2010....I"m having a rough time and as luck would have it my Pdoc falls ill....I attempt to see another Pdoc while he was out...but it didn't go well....I fell away from treatment and had my gp prescribe pristiq and wb....things were ok...not great for awhile...when a new insurance company came in and refused to pay for the Pristiq....I dropped off all meds at that point and never looked back. It was in 2010 that I came to terms with the fact I would never truly be over my ideation's....I have a plan...I believe it will not fail...and I'm not afraid to die....not a good combination for someone in my shoes. Late in the year I went back to the 'new' doctor fully expecting to be hospitalized....but instead he has trusted me to stay safe and loaded me up on meds that are clearly not doing the job....I'm trying...which is all I can hope for I guess.

We all have our own reasons for getting here to db...mine are basically because the people who really cared for me in the dark times came here and formed our awesome supportive site. We have a nice community here and couldn't ask for nicer members...
"I am a horse for a single harness, not cut out for tandem or teamwork; for well I know that in order to attain any definite goal, it is imperative that one person do the thinking and the commanding" Albert Einstein

January 07, 2011, 06:29:41 PM
Reply #1
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Thanks for sharing your story Coach.  Now if you could make sure that plan stays just a plan, that'd be great. Okay?  good.  Thanks. :hug:
"if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"
Katherine Hepburn

January 07, 2011, 07:43:44 PM
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I know what you mean about being in the hospital. Its like life makes sense and you can focus on getting better. Then they release you back into the same old situation and its like what the fuck do I do now?

January 07, 2011, 08:54:17 PM
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As I said to Sweetest earlier, it took a lot of courage to write out your story and let us know what truly brought you here to DB.  I am glad that you got the nice feeling while inpatient and hopefully you will have that feeling again when you get on the right meds/combo.

Take care

January 07, 2011, 09:45:46 PM
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Thank you for sharing Cousin. I hope that you will find the right treatment...soon. We are all here for you.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox

January 07, 2011, 11:50:32 PM
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Glad to have you back here, Coach.

I hope things turn around for the better for you.  

I know you're not afraid to die but your family and friends here would be horrified and devastated if something happened to you.   :pump: :grouphug: :pump:
« Last Edit: January 07, 2011, 11:52:33 PM by happy »

January 08, 2011, 12:05:58 AM
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Coach Nut, I'm so sorry that the past 3 years have been so difficult. 
But I'm glad that, by posting online, you managed to find some people who became very helpful to you.

I'm glad to learn that, despite everything, you're trying. Hopefully things will improve.

January 08, 2011, 03:45:08 AM
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(((((coach)))))) I am so happy you are back here again and reading your story has really made me think alot about my own story (which i will post sometime over this wknd) It really takes alot to write out the most painful time of your life but I also believe it is healing too.

I really hope you start to feel better soon because I value your friendship and support very much. I think the life changes you have been thinking about will make a difference. Its so damn hard making changes like that in your life after so many years of doing the same thing and taking the same bullcrap. Its time for you to start doing for you..your health and happiness are important. I am glad your here and know that Im pulling for you. (((((((coach))))))