Author Topic: Once upon a time in Tiny Town ...  (Read 1586 times)

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January 17, 2011, 06:50:26 PM
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I think it will be best to serialize this story.  ( :crazy:  gaaa!  I just entered 'chapter 1' & got the boot b/c of timing out!!)

Will try again later.
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 17, 2011, 10:06:40 PM
Reply #1
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That sucks. I hope your internet cooperates so you can write things down.


January 19, 2011, 09:29:09 PM
Reply #2
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OK, re-do!

Chapter 1 - Before Moreso Even Got There

My parents had hard lives.  My mother was born in a village in southwestern Ontario and my father was born on a farm outside that same little place.  My mother's parents divorced when she was very young - she didn't remember them ever living together.  She spent the first few yrs on her aunt's farm and then went to live with her father.  Her older brother, who had lived with their mother, was sent to live with them when he was ~ 13.  Back then, and especially in such a small rural community, divorce was VERY BAD.  My mother was shunned for being from a family of divorce.  She was very smart but got taken out of school when she turned 16 (you used to have to pay for school when you turned 16 back then) b/c she was 'just a girl', so no need to waste precious $ on her education.  She worked in canning factories and as a nanny, housekeeper, etc.  She saw her mother very infrequently and I assume it was not a warm relationship.  My father was also smart but he got taken out of school in grade 8 to help on the farm.  

My mother spotted my father in her late teens (he was 9 yrs older) and decided to get his attention by literally 'running into him' with her bicycle one evening after his group of street-corner buddies dispersed.  They later got married b/c that is what you do.  

Let me backtrack a bit.  My father's family is French-Canadian & Catholic.  My mother's family is WASP.  Apparently the 2 fathers-in-law were really nice men who got along well and everyone liked them.  While my mother's mother was pretty much out of the picture, my father's mother was front & centre with a vengence.  This all pre-pre-pre-Vatican II (sorry, I'm not a good RC so may have this terminology wrong), so it was very old-school and strict adherence to protocol.  Anyway, b/c my foolhardy parents were married in the Anglican church, they were not married in the eyes of the Catholic church & by extension, my father's mother.  When my mother was pregnant with my eldest bro, Meme (pronounced like 'Mimmy') flipped and ordered them to get married or 'the child will be a bastard'.  So my mother converted and they got married again.  I think they packed up and moved to Tiny Town shortly after.  
« Last Edit: January 19, 2011, 09:41:47 PM by moreso »
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 19, 2011, 09:40:09 PM
Reply #3
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Chapter 2 - Setting the Scene for the Arrival of Baby Moreso

So my parents had another baby and this time they 'got it right'.  My eldest bro, E, has fair hair & the 2nd oldest, B, has dark hair.  Meme was delighted that 'B is a little French boy!'.  All spoken in French of course.  Even though the family was bilingual, they all (except my father & his father) spoke French around my mother who did not have a gift for languages.  E was pretty much ignored by Meme but my mother made up for that b/c E was her favourite until my younger bro, J. came along.  

But there were no more children for almost 16 yrs.  I don't like to speculate on how I actually got here.  I do know that in spite of the poor relationship my mother had with her own mother, she took her in at the end of her life when she was suffering from lung cancer.  That was ~2 yrs before I was born.  I can't imagine how everyone fit in the house back then b/c there were only 2 small bedrooms at that time.  

And in spite of asking my older bros about what was happening they will absolutely NOT talk about what it was like growing up.  I have always thought that alcoholism gets worse if nothing is done about it but maybe that's not true.  My father was the alcoholic and b/c he also gambled, we were usually in financial trouble.  There are no pics of my older bros except at school, scouts & cadets.  Maybe we didn't have a camera?  Or maybe you just wouldn't really want a picture of things back then.

OK, so Moreso the Accident appears.  The older bros were supposedly thrilled by this.  My colouring is like my mother's & E's, so that was a disappointment for Meme.  But she was really old then, so I don't remember any weird vibe from her.  
« Last Edit: January 19, 2011, 09:43:20 PM by moreso »
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 19, 2011, 09:52:51 PM
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Chapter 3 - And J Makes 4

Luckily my parents had another 'accident' & my younger bro J showed up.  My mother didn't know she was pregnant for a long time and then he was born prematurely shortly after that.  They thought he wouldn't make it & called a priest in to baptise him ASAP.  He was supposed to have 2 names like the rest of us, but b/c this was a rush job, our parents just blurted out 'his name is 'J'' to the priest who baptised him.  J had to stay at the hospital for a cpl of months until he was big enough and strong enough to come home.  B/c he was this miracle surviving baby & b/c my mother was taught to value males over females, King J began his reign!!

When my older bros finished highschool they went for the 'geographic cure' & joined the military.  J & I grew up not knowing them very well b/c they would only visit when they had leave.  & if they were posted to another country or even on one of the coasts, we might only see them once ever cpl of yrs. 

I think I grew up getting a really good idea of what it was like for my mother when she was growing up.  The favouritism was so obvious.  J got away with all kinds of crap.  & I did a great job on scapegoat duty.  I remember being ~ 5 & being furious with getting blamed for something my brother did & Yelling @ my mother 'You don't like me b/c I'm a girl!'  She flipped her wig & I KNEW I got it right. 
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 21, 2011, 09:58:31 AM
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Chapter 4 - More of the Same

My father's drinking didn't seem to get any worse b/c it was always pretty bad.  Somehow he managed to keep an assembly line job.  He rarely missed work.  I have gone by the plants at lunch time and have seen the workers sprinting off to the nearest bar to pound back some alcohol then go back for the rest of the shift.  I assume that was the case with my father.  Since lots of money was going out to pay for alcohol and gambling there wasn't much left for things like the phone, hydro, food and clothing.  We didn't always have phone service and if something broke it was always a really long time until it got fixed.  I remember being sick & needing a prescription & we had no drug benefits or money so my mother was reduced to asking the pharmacist for a big favour - letting her pay for the prescription a little bit at a time.  Of course Mr. H would always say yes.  But it felt very shameful.  Both my older bros had worked for Mr. H & he was a really nice man, so he said yes.  I felt like the whole world knew my family was a mess.  & I am sure that all the ppl in my little world *did* know.  The neighbourhood wasn't great and most ppl were in the same boat though. 

There are pics of my younger bro & me.  I look at them and my skin crawls.  We look like kids up for sponsorship or something.  Uncombed hair and clothes that don't fit in front of a falling-down house.

School was such a relief for me.  They had amazing stuff there - so many books and toys and art supplies and sports equipment and it was all there for anyone to use.  I was always a really shy kid but I don't think I was totally on edge there like at home.  Making friends was really hard.  It always has been.  I have always felt like there was something seriously wrong with me.  Even though now I know where alot of this comes from, it is still there. 

Bro J continued to get away with everything.  He *was* a really really cute kid, I have to say.  & he always had a great sense of humour.  He was just a really charming person.  (& I was a complete dud - a real bummer of a kid, and not nice looking like him - I bet ppl wondered how we could possibly be related)  I am still lacking in social skills. 

I'd love to know what happened.  I really wish my brothers would tell me what they know.
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 21, 2011, 11:54:39 AM
Reply #6
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Just to let you know that I am reading your story as you are writing it. Perhaps your brothers have their own demons...to the point that it hurts to talk about it.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


January 21, 2011, 12:51:23 PM
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Hey moreso, I hope that writing this story will have a healing effect for you.
I think that it's good that you're so insightful, and thoughful, to take into consideration the hard lives that your parents had when they were growing up,  and to realize that their upbringing, which shaped their lives, played a role in shaping yours.

I'm sorry that your brothers haven't been able to discuss what it was like when they were growing up. But, as saddie mentioned, perhaps they have their reasons for not talking about it.

I am sorry that you grew up with the impression that there was something "wrong" with you.  I know that there likely wasn't anything wrong with you. But, I also am very aware that, if someone is made to feel that there is "something wrong" with them while growing up, it can have a very long-lasting effect on that person. 
I sure hope that you can continue to overcome that effect. Hopefully writing your story here will help that process.


January 21, 2011, 02:28:57 PM
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Reading along with your story, moreso.  I hope that someday your brothers are able to open up to you, or you're able to make peace with your past without knowing.
:hug:
"if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"
Katherine Hepburn


January 21, 2011, 07:27:56 PM
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Moreso,

I'm sorry you had to be a scapegoat to your brother's bad deeds.  That must have hurted as I remember my own painful hurts with my favoured brother.

I am glad you found some relief with school. 

I know what you mean about feeling like something is seriously wrong with you.  I felt that way my whole life.

I hope your pain goes away so you can heal.  I hope you have a good semester and get everything you hoped for  accomplished.


January 22, 2011, 03:46:43 AM
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(((((((moreso)))))))))

Your story is heartbreaking and similar somewhat to my upbringing in the fact that my father was an alcoholic and it ran in the family. My half sibling all but 1 are or were alcoholics. Its damaging to a family and I share your pain of it. I often wonder about alot of stuff since I was the youngest and the only child from my mother and father..the other siblings had a different mother. Alot went on and alot was hush hush. maybe it was the times..back then no one talked about issues like we do now and everything was swept under the rug.


January 22, 2011, 02:16:48 PM
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Yeah, I know that my bros are good guys.  Even my little bro that I seriously wanted to snap in half for many years of my life!  They have lots of problems and it breaks my heart to hear about them.  At least 2 of them have really really great wives.  My poor eldest bro is saddled with a beast.  For someone with no sisters, I sure lucked out with SILs.  I would like to know V & L even if they weren't relatives.  I know they look out for my bros. 

I could see how hard it was for my younger brother to grow up more or less without a dad.  Our parents never played with us and I tried to do sports stuff with J but I was not that athletic myself.  & J got teased alot b/c of not being good at sports.  Maybe it might have been better if someone (like a coordinated adult, not another klutzy kid) played catch with him.  Our bro B was a good athlete but, being in the military, he was around so infrequently that it didn't make any difference.

My little bro, J, had a nickname in the neighbourhood - it was 'J-Runaway' b/c from the time he could walk he would take off.  He'd turn up somewhere or other in the nabe but he never gave any reason for taking off.  He told me a few yrs ago that he was looking for our father.  That was so sad.  He was younger and didn't understand that our father was drinking his face off not too far away - so he would set out and look everywhere for him.  I knew where my father was but I thought he didn't come home b/c I was bad and he did not like me.  I used to do all sorts of things to 'make' my father come home - stand on one foot and count backwards by 3 from 200.  If I lost count or got wobbly (i.e. didn't do it PERFECTLY), that would mean he would not come home & I would have to start all over again.  Of course even when I 'got it right' it didn't work.  I tried to be as good as possible, helping with things at home, doing well is school, being quiet and staying out of the way at home.  None of it worked so I got the idea that I was a very bad kid.  I mentioned not being cute or charming like J, and it is true.  So I assumed that was part of it.  I also went around feeling like a real troll & feeling so helpless b/c there was absolutely nothing I could do about my appearance.  I tried to be a nicer, more pleasant kid but I just didn't have that social knack J did.  (still don't!)

I got together with 3 friends from gradeschool a cpl of months ago and they talked so happily about their childhoods.  I didn't join in b/c I did not want to bum them out.  But it is nice to know that there are ppl with good memories of that time growing up. 
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 25, 2011, 07:03:57 PM
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Another Chapter 

b/c my mother's parents divorced and she suffered so much from it, she thought it was the worst thing in the world and therefore would not inflict that on us kids.  That was a *bit* of logic and kindheartedness.  But what she ended up doing was subjecting us to the craziness of living with an addict - and as an added bonus, since she was entirely caught up in my father's drinking, she literally had nothing left over for being a mother.  The constant fighting that never resolved anything and the threats that I took literally frightened the liver out of me.  I think the insomnia goes way back.  My adrenal glands must be so shriveled up by now, poor things. 

But my mother certainly was in it for the long haul.  It is really hard for me to stop being a dead-horse-beater too.

I always assume that if there is something wrong, I must have something to do with it.  May have mentioned this before but this is a perfect example of how I operate:  I used to work in a very large lab.  Way down at the other end of the lab, one of the guys knocked a flask off the bench and it broke.  I automatically said 'I'm sorry'.  At that point I realized I had (still have) a problem.  I never saw it before. 

I do not know where I start and where the rest of the world ends.  I am amorphous and diffuse.  I do not know what is ok and what is not ok.  THis is not say I don't know right from wrong.  I just don't know what is ok for me to think, feel, want, say.  I try to say whatever I have to say in a kind way.  There is enough shit in the universe that I don't need to create more. 

It is nearly impossible for me to put a differing idea out there, especially if anyone feels strongly about their position.  I pretty much back down if it has anything to do with me.  It is much easier to stand up for other ppl. 

I often feel like I don't exist.  You know some days when ppl don't seem to see you?  I feel ok with that most of the time.  Sometimes it is disturbing but other times it is comfortable. 
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 25, 2011, 07:14:13 PM
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There have been some really unfair things that happened in my family and I am sorry that my mother chose to behave towards me as others had behaved towards her.  I have often wondered if she had a mental illness or personality disorder.  We definitely perceived the world in very different ways. 

I would take my mother out for lunch & she would have a good time but she would recall it as my brother J having treated her instead of me.  If I tried to correct her she would just dig in her heels and insist that J took her there.  Which would never have happened back then.  Although J is a really great responsible guy now, back then he was extremely self-centred and did not do anything for anyone other than himself. 

Lots of things like that happened and I really doubted my own sanity.  I wasn't too sure of myself to begin with so these incidents were incredibly baffling and alarming. 

I clued in to my father being an alcoholic and tried to talk to my brothers about it.  They either laughed at me or got mad - they would not have me saying such awful things about our father.  They all agreed that he would not drink if our mother wasn't 'such a bitch'.  As much as I had a very hard time with my mother, there is no way that she is the cause of his addiction.  For me, it helped to have a name for what was happening.  I guess that was not helpful for my brothers. 
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 25, 2011, 07:21:57 PM
Reply #14
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Moreso I can relate to some of the things you bring up.  I do the same thing about saying sorry when it had nothing to do with anything I did.  I have been that way my whole life.  I know mine stems from the abuse as a child.  I am working on getting better and try hard to think before I automatically react and say I'm sorry.
“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." ~ pooh

"Inevitably, the tears of heartbreak water the heart they came from, and we grow."~Luke Storms