Author Topic: Once upon a time in Tiny Town ...  (Read 1588 times)

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January 25, 2011, 08:00:46 PM
Reply #15
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Unfortunately I can identify too. My mother's family is almost completely dysfunctional. 3 out of 4 of her brother's are/were alcoholics. I say were because one died of an overdose a few years ago. Nobody knows if it was intentional or not. When my grandfather died a couple of years ago he didn't get a funeral and wouldn't have even got a memorial service if my mother hadn't put her foot down. I'm still pissed about that and I really don't know how to deal with it.. Just know that I'm reading along. (((((((Moreso))))))) :console:


January 25, 2011, 09:24:11 PM
Reply #16
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I can relate to you about family making you doubt your sanity. Lots of unfair things happened to me and my brother too as far back when we were little kids and my parents always took his side in everything.  But unfortunately, he didn't become a huge success like they thought.  Far opposite.  And I'm sick and tired of feeling worried about his future.  He's still my brother.  I can't disown him even if i wanted to.  I have no friends and family is all i have even if not perfect.  He's still helps me in big ways that no friend would.  I can't abandon him even if he has many faults.

I don't know what is right for me either.  I just know I can't do it alone.


January 28, 2011, 03:29:14 PM
Reply #17
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All of my father's brothers were alcoholics.  Way worse than my dad, according to my mother.  Funny thing, ALL of us (the sibs) went through a big drinking (& other stuff for my younger bro & me) phase.  None of us drink much if at all now.  I drank b/c it calmed me.  I felt 'normal' and was able to talk to ppl.  I felt my body relax physically and it was a huge relief.  But I realized that this wasn't something I really wanted to do.  I knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of someone using alcohol.  Didn't want to do that to anyone else.  I completely quit hanging around with the ppl I used to party with.  In fact, that is one reason I left my hometown.  Not the main reason, but one of them. 

For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 28, 2011, 03:55:35 PM
Reply #18
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Shrink-O-Rama

Just for fun I will list as many Ts as I can recall going to.  The list is long, get comfortable!!

1.  A nice grad student @ the university - don't remember much more than that
(when I finished working with her, I gave her a very tiny box of peach candies - she said 'I'm Hypoglycemic!' instead of 'thank you'  :duh:)

2.  Ms. Daly (I saw her weekly - lol! - this is what passes for a joke with me!)
- she helped me sort things out so I could leave my hometown

3.  Bella - my 1st T in The Little Apple!!  She was pretty good.  This place had a big bunch of Ts and Ts in training.  They assigned some Idiot to work with Bella & me.  He often hugged me - this was pretty much how everyone was @ this place, though.  Lots of hugging.  I'm not that comfortable with hugs.  I would tolerate Bella hugging me.  Anyway one day the Idiot was absent & I told Bella how much his hugs put me off.  So we worked out a little speech for me to give him.  Next time he hugged me I gave him 'the speech'.  He was absolutely! delighted! that I was brave! enough to tell him this information!  &, I am not shitting you, Idiot hugged me again.  Bella intervened.  I don't recall him being around that much after that.

3.  Group Art Therapy @ Bella & company's place.  Probably the best therapy experience ever.  Everyone was so nice.  It was a wonderful grp.  The fact that it was art therapy just meant that we would draw something about the night's topic and then talk a bit about it.  No art skills required!  Just make some marks on the ppr & you're good to go.  The grp was led by 2 or 3 Ts & ~10 ppl were in the grp.  Very supportive ppl.  It took a while but I started to feel like maybe there was a place for me in the world.  I am glad my current T suggested grp therapy b/c I don't feel like I belong anywhere again.  Grp art therapy was a cpl of months where I felt sort of normal.

4. After yrs of lots of probs with 1st OH, we made the rounds of couples therapists:

4a) Bella was one of them.  She didn't get that I was very disturbed about all the stuff he was doing to me.  I quit seeing her altogether & phoned her up yrs later to tell her that I thought she was way off base in not supporting me.  I felt like she didn't even believe what I told her.  She hung up on me.  

4b) Some guy with greasy hair that I don't think had any clue about what was happening.  He also didn't seem to understand what 1st OH was doing.

4c) Joan Somebody (interesting thing, I have lived on the same block as her office for 10+ yrs now - I shake my head every time I pass) suggested we trade housecleaning for sex.  Ms. Somebody, you are a fucking genius.  Thank you for your creative solution.

4d) Believe it or not, there were a cpl of others that were even more useless!!  I just can't force myself to remember them.

So why did all of those ppl not take me seriously???  Is spousal assault ok if it happens to me?  

5) Found a new T who got it.  She helped me get the courage together to get the hell out of there.  When I told her what he did, she got tears in her eyes.  Maybe that is a bit extreme but at least I knew she heard me.  LD has a real gift for therapy.  She has been through alot in her life and overcome many things.  I would recommend her any time.  

6) Dr. Dick Cheapsox:  my family dr referred me when I was having problems.  Dr. Cheapsox was part of a large stable of Ts.  The reception area looked tidy and the place seemed to be well-run.  Soooo, I get let into Dick's office & see a vast desk with a big comfy chair and ... a cpl of ratty small chairs.  wtf?  So I sat in one of the small chairs (almost like those kiddy chairs) & find that when Dick walks in and pulls up his adult size comfy chair, I have to look up to see his face.  When I don't, I get a really good look @ his white, bony, hairy shins and his crappy grey pilled polyester socks   :sick: - probably b/c he is likely wearing cheap pants that ride way up and expose his shins and socks.  Holy Crap-A-Moley.  Anyway, this appt was scheduled about 2 weeks after my family dr had started me on an AD & Dick said there was no way he was going to work with someone 'on drugs'.  He had already said some stupid, condescending things and even though only 20 mins had passed I got up out of the small chair & said, 'Dick, this isn't going to work.'  I wanted to tell him that was a condescending, passive-aggressive misogynist but didn't.  As I went through reception they asked 'do you want another appointment?'  I said 'With Dr. Cheapsox?  Are you kidding?'  I told my family dr what an ass the guy is & to reconsider referring patients to him.  She was really nice about hearing my opinion.  She said that some other patients didn't seem to click with him but they didn't go into detail.  I asked if they were women & she said 'hmmm ... yes!'

7) The Viking Dude - another referral.  All he knows is CBT.  He only sees ppl for X sessions and you buy the CBT book & you do the X sessions of CBT with Viking & then he kicks your sorry ass out into the snow.  

8) Sleeping Beauty - well, not really a beauty.  @ the 1st appt, this one impressed me with her sensitivity and ppl skills when she told me I was 'too old to go back to school' & asked why i wanted 'to learn acupuncture anyway?' b/c 'no one just wants acupuncture'.   2nd appt, she was nodding off.  The end.

9)  Dr. Stretchpants - Other than golfers and back-up dancers in Vegas, who wears sky-blue stretch pants and shirts?  With a silver bracelet?  Dr. Stretchpants, that's who!!  (the good dr is a man, btw)  This guy was SO EXCITED TO WORK WITH ME!!!  He even tried to sell me HIS VERY OWN RELAXATION CDS!!!  Physician, heal thyself.  The end.

10) Dr. F.  He was great.  He is a psychoanalyst but if a person can't go to several appts a week, he adjusts his style.  I learned alot with him.  He eventually got a bona fide psychoanalysis couch & it was off-putting to say the least.  We were able to work something out where i could 'ease' into the couch.  btw, with this style, the T sits in a chair out of your line of sight.  Nope, that was not happening!  So he moved his chair to where I could see him & I sat on the couch.  by the time I finished there, it was full on psychoanalysis style and I was fine with it.  I had to quit going for a cpl of reasons.  I didn't work in the area anymore, my new job pd way less $ & he began to charge for the time that he spent in consultation with other Ts.  Even though we worked out a reduced fee, it was too much, esp with all the other things.  But I would still recommend him.  (Even though he wore a funny hat)










**********************************may trigger*******************************************
















11) OH#2 is having some probs so his family dr makes a referral.  Before the appt, the pdoc says he never just sees the patient if they are in a relationship, he sees the spouse too.  I'm happy to support, so we go to the appt.  



 


Turns out, this dude's a sex therapist.   :jawdrop:  What!??!  & he was soooo creepy - he had on this velour sweat suit thing that made me think of Hugh Hefner constantly in his bathrobe.  Not a pretty picture, I have to say.  All I wanted to do was get the hell out of there.  & the guy wanted to see OH *+* us as a cpl (b/c you don't have probs by yourself).  No fucking thank you.  All kidding aside, that freak triggered me and I did seriously want to run the hell out of there.  I don't even like putting this in black and white.  
  
12) Dr. H., my current T.  She is superb.  I cannot believe my good fortune in finding her.  She is a GP Psychotherapist, so she is pd by provincial healthcare.  She is one of those life-long learners (I admire that) & she really keeps up with things.  I don't know how she does it.  I am blessed.  She is also willing to get additional help for me.  She works with my family dr about the meds.  She is also offering me cancellations so that I can go 2x/wk when possible b/c I feel so crappy lately.  (+ she has not 1, but *2* cats!!)  

If I remember any more, I'll update this.  
« Last Edit: January 28, 2011, 04:49:19 PM by moreso »
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


January 28, 2011, 09:34:43 PM
Reply #19
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That's a lot of T's.  Sounds like you had quite a few freaky ones in there....never good.

I'm glad you like your current T!

:hug:
"if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"
Katherine Hepburn


January 31, 2011, 06:21:25 PM
Reply #20
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rw inspired me to write about school.

It was certainly not the 'best yrs of my life'.  It was pretty bad.  Kindergarten was actually good b/c I didn't pay alot of attn to other children but I really liked the toys and art supplies and the way the school smelled.  I remember being incredibly shy and lying about things at home.  I knew I had an uncle but I made up a story about him having a large poodle and that both he and the dog liked me and would visit.  None of that is true.  I remember telling ppl I was going to get piano lessons.  (riiiight, just as soon as I buy my own piano  :evilgrin: )  I am sure these were obvious lies.  It is embarassing to think about that.  Everyone was likely well aware that my father was a major drinker and that we were poor. 
I managed to devolve into a very strange little kid.  Awkward, clumsy, huuuuge adult teeth in a kid's little face, red hair that had to be braided, freckles and glasses.  Freckle face, carrot top, 4 eyed bucky beaver!  Yes, that was a nice sing-song thing to get called by a grp of monstrous children skipping around me having a good time.  Sounds silly but that was enough to get me crying my weak myopic little eyes out.  Neither of my parents were much good at helping me to feel ok about myself.  And by comparison to my brother, well, there really was no comparison.  
School was a haven away from the family though and I am grateful for that.  At least I could work hard there and read and learn.  That was a life saver.
There were no little girls in my neighbourhood so going to school opened up the wide world of dealing with other little girls.  That was great in one way and an ugly thing at the same time.  Little girls can say and do some nasty stuff.  And they grow into bigger and nastier girls in high school.  Luckily there were a cpl of ppl who were nice to me.  I am still in touch with some grade school/high school friends.  They turned out to be very nice adults.
High school - eeeee, 5 yrs of hell.  (again, except for a cpl of nice ppl)  This time, even most of the teachers were obnoxious.  I hated high school so much that I tried to stay away from grade 11 as often as possible.  No one really gave a rat's ass.  Only got hauled into the office once for non-attendance.  The Vice Principal asked 'where have you been?' & I said 'not here'.  And that was that.  I would read in the park beside the school or go to the main library downtown and do the assigned work.  I'd show up for tests but I just could not handle that place and all the scary students and teachers.  One teacher seemed to enjoy singling me out.  I wore dark clothes alot b/c I was extremely uncomfortable about my appearance.  (puberty had the nerve to strike @ 11 - *&* with a vengeance, thus the dark baggy clothes).  So the Monster Teacher liked making fun of that.  I asked why she made comments about my clothing and she said 'you're part of the class, aren't you?'  Which made no sense.  She liked the 'cool kids' and would suck up to them!  That was so strange.  They babysat her children.  
Then I went to college.  Yes, community college.  b/c my mother told me that I would need a loan to go to university and if I got one I would never be able to pay it back.  And of course the loan was not coming from her.  I did ask to borrow $50 for books & she tore a strip off me.  I would have been able to pay her back in < 10 days but that was the wrong thing to ask.  Funny, they let my younger brother lie around the house for several yrs after high school, not expecting a dime from him and then they sent him to school out of town and pd for everything.  He was still in high school when I was going to college, so that wasn't it.
Anyway, college was one of the best experiences I ever had.  I took chemical engineering technology and loved it.  But not right away b/c I didn't get it for quite a while.  It was so discouraging to go to every class, read everything, do all the assignments and come up with a crappy mark at exam time.  I did eventually catch on, thank goodness.  My class was great.  The bunch of us in my yr more or less went to all the same classes together all the time.  I never see anyone from that time but they were great ppl.  Most of the instructors were fantastic.  I felt accepted there, so that was a new experience.  
When I finished there, I got a job as a research assistant for a geological engineering prof at the university.  He suggested I take an intro course in geology & that was great.  I considered going into geology b/c it is such a fascinating subject but you have to go very far away to work and I did not want to get stuck in the bush with guys (& it was mostly guys then) who were very proud of their farting, belching and anti-women skills.  Nonetheless, the courses were free b/c I worked at the university and my boss was fine with me taking courses as long as I put in my hours and was available for all the odd hour tests and experiments.  
« Last Edit: January 31, 2011, 06:23:03 PM by moreso »
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


February 05, 2011, 09:47:22 AM
Reply #21
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Quote
My class was great.  The bunch of us in my yr more or less went to all the same classes together all the time.  I never see anyone from that time but they were great ppl. 

This is the 1st time I have quoted myself but it is totally worth the exception!!

Yesterday, a mere 4 days after writing that, I got a msg from a guy from my class!  He has been trying to round us all up to get together sometime this year!!  It is fantastic to hear that all is well with him - you never know after so many years! 

 :jawdrop:   I'm shocked, but in a good way!  Now I suppose I will start to freak out about meeting up with everyone and their spouses.  Maybe I will exercise some control and do that later.

In the meantime, I have to get my bee-hind to the 2nd half of that wacky workshop.  This is the 1st time in my life I did not COMPLY with their instructions.  I didn't get anywhere near 10 head massages done.  No one was home, ppl are busy - too short notice!  However, ppl can help out next week and the one after.  So, the quota will be filled, but it will be late.  So sue me. :halo:
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


February 05, 2011, 07:00:49 PM
Reply #22
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You can massage my head anytime!! It feels wonderful and you can even do it 10 times and fill your quota fast!! LOL I love a good massage!


February 05, 2011, 09:35:15 PM
Reply #23
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 Moreso, :clap: your education sounds impressive.  No wonder you got hired by the University.  That is a major accomplishment considering you were a woman in a male dominated field and University only are sometimes choosey about wanting to those who went to U.  I wish your mom could have been proud of you.  :hug:

But i agree, it doesn't sound interesting to be studying rocks all day.

Your mother should have been noticed how wonderful you are.  I wonder if she has an illness that made her unable to appreciate you.  I think it's terrible that she never saw how wonderful you are.  :console:  If I were your mom, I'd be proud.  I'm so sorry if she wasn't. 

You have lot going for yourself in this new exciting career.  I am proud of you now as well.  :toss:



February 05, 2011, 11:53:13 PM
Reply #24
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I hope that you and your classmates are able to enjoy a happy reunion sometime in the near future.


February 07, 2011, 08:13:59 PM
Reply #25
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Oh, CBT. HOw I just wont go there! You are right, you get stuck with them for x amount of sessions and that's it. How arrogant can you be?

As for your mom staying with your dad...my parents have been married for close to 63 years. I wish they had divorced. My brother and I grew up in WW3, so I can relate.

As for not being able to disagree, this is a good place to try those skills.
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox


February 07, 2011, 09:45:15 PM
Reply #26
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Funny thing, Sadie, when I am feeling ok I can do cbt.  But there is a certain point where, if I go past it, all the cbt in the world doesn't seem to help.  But maybe it would work better if I did it all the time instead of letting it slide. 

My parents were only married for 54 yrs b/c my father passed away. 

Thanks for the encouragement to flex my 'disagreement' muscles here.

 :grouphug:  thanks for reading along everyone
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


March 02, 2011, 06:15:29 PM
Reply #27
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Now it is many yrs later and after a mountain of antidepressants, it's time to change them again.  The dreaded 'poop out'.  Wish there was another name for it ...

Time to taper off the Cymbalta, keep the Cipralex, and add the Trazodone. 

There is so much I need to do to straighten out my life, including a cpl of important relationships b/c they are not normal.  I am really uncomfortable with details, even here where I *know* it is safe but it just doesn't feel OK to post them.  Thank God I have a good T. 

T thinks my current problems are due to not having been well parented (in fact, having them scare the hell out of my all day, every day).  But WHY can't I get past that????  They have both passed away & I continue to cringe and doubt and all the rest of it, like they were still alive and I was living with them.  I should stay away from relationships with ppl until I get myself sorted out.  Whenever the hell that might be.  I feel that I just give off 'poor mental health' vibes that can be seen from a distance.  That is not a good way to be in a relationship with anyone.  I have a hard time being a decent friend & I actually don't like alot of contact with ppl anyway.  This is hard to say but as much as I really love everyone here, I would have a hard time being there IRL.  & it is all me - I am scared of ppl (yes, even NICE & SUPPORTIVE, KIND & LOVING ppl like DB-ppl!!), I don't know how to behave, I don't have healthy/adult boundaries, I am not good at 'being there' for ppl.  What a fuck up.  But it seems way too easy to 'blame' my childhood.  It is decades behind me now. 

I'm getting on my own nerves here, so I'm heading out to
1)  fill the new Rxs
2)  go to the art gallery b/c it is free from 6 - 8 & maybe I can distract myself from my disgusted self-absorption

Thanks for being so unfailingly kind to me, even when I am an ass.  (((((DB-ppl)))))
For small creatures such as we the vastness is bearable only through love.
Carl Sagan


March 03, 2011, 11:25:48 PM
Reply #28
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Good luck with the med change, I'm going through one myself now.
:hug: :pump: :hug:
"if you obey all the rules you miss all the fun"
Katherine Hepburn


March 04, 2011, 01:03:17 AM
Reply #29
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OMG, if you're an ass I'm the queen. Stop hating on yourself! You are still feeling the effects because you were traumatized. That's the way trauma works. You just need to pound that fact into your head and give yourself a break. I am 47, going on 48 and I am learing stuff a little at a time. It takes a long ass while to recover, so please be patient with yourself.  :pump:
Hate is so ugly, no matter how much religion you wrap around it.~Mox